亿万未婚夫 The Bachelor review by TOR THORSEN 英文影评

亿万未婚夫，The Bachelor

If the catch phrase of 1990s relationships is "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," then the message of The Bachelor is "Men are Mustangs, Women are Cattle." The equivalent of being trapped in a subpar Friends episode for 120 minutes, this insipid love story plays like a bad combination of The Pick-Up Artist and Four Weddings and Funeral without Robert Downey Jr.'s wit or Hugh Grant's charm.
The titular bachelor is Jimmie Shannon (Chris O'Donnell), a fresh-faced, dull-souled former frat boy who runs an upscale San Francisco pool hall he bought with his grandaddy's money. A devoted rake, Jimmie literally sees himself and his friends as a pack of wild mustangs whose single lives he equates to "nibbling on patches of sweet grass" (please forgive the imagery). Unfortunately, these horses are being corralled into matrimony one by one, sparking a series of amusing shots of each literally being lassoed and dragged away.

 

Soon it seems Jimmie, too, will be hog-tied by the bounds of wedlock; Anne (Renee Zellweger), his "independent" girlfriend of three years, caught the bouquet at the last wedding, and his crotchety grandfather (a slumming Peter Ustinov) actually orders him to "PROCREATE!" with a bullhorn.

 

Complications ensue when the tactless young Shannon proposes by telling Anne she better "sh*t, or get off the pot." Understandably upset, she skips town for three weeks in Greece, and Jimmie's disappointed granddad promptly dies, setting The Bachelor's driving premise into motion. Turns out Ol' Man Shannon has $100 million tucked away, but, to collect, Jimmie must: 1) marry, 2) spend only one month apart from his wife for 10 years; and 3) "PROCREATE!" Problem is, he has to tie the knot by his 30th birthday, which just happens to be in 27 hours.
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So begins a mild goose chase in which Jimmie looks up all his past loves — Mariah Carey and Brooke Shields among them — in descending (and offending) order of attractiveness and congeniality. When none will take his offer of cash for matrmony, his lummoxy buddy Marco (Mad TV's Artie Lange) places a 10K4awife.com-esque classified ad for Jimmie, causing a stampeding herd of money-hungry would-be brides-to-be to chase the greedy groom all around San Fran.

 

Besides the rather callous concept of marriage — and even childbirth-for-money, The Bachelor's premise — the idea that Jimmie is hesitant to marry because he'll lose his "freedom" — is inherently flawed. If he's been dating the same woman for three years, wouldn't his single life have been effectively over long ago? Or has he been schtupping various other vapid Marina girls in the backs of North Beach sports bars for the last 36 months? If so, should we even care about what happens to him?

 

However, as Julia Roberts proves time and time again, star charisma can smooth over even the most gaping plot holes. Too bad The Bachelor has only trace elements of it. Zellweger, who displayed real talent in Jerry Maguire and the underrated The Whole Wide World, seems content to do a low-rent Jennifer Aniston impersonation, replete with pouting fits and door-slamming tantrums. Meanwhile, Chris O'Donnell, the Steve Guttenberg of the '90s, sports all the passion of room-temperature tapioca; his idea of charm is flashing the same sheepish, dimple-enhanced smile over and over again until you feel like paying a hit man $100 million to permanently remove it.

 

Those in the mood for romantic comedy could do worse than The Bachelor. If your idea of a happy marriage is shopping at Pottery Barn together and going out in matching Banana Republic wear, this mayonnaise romance might have some appeal. Director Gary Sinyor, who helmed the far funnier British sleeper Leon the Pig Farmer, manages to make the film endearing in a plastic, superficial sort of way. Every now and then, a funny line will pop up amongst screenwriter Steve Cohen's self-centered dialogue. For instance, when the condtions of the will are read, one character cries out, "What is this, Brewster's Millions?" If only it were.

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