Tom Hanks as a hobo with cruddy fingernails. A set of train tracks that lead, seemingly, to nowhere. Writhing elves -- throngs of them -- with Dakota Fanning bodies and Karl Malden noses. Beware the creeping horror that is "The Polar Express."
By now you all know how the allegedly revolutionary animated feature "The Polar Express," based on Chris Van Allsburg's popular and charming picture book, was made, but just to recap: A special tool, kind of like a blackhead extractor, is used to remove the souls of real-life actors so their faces and bodies can be cloned and freeze-dried in a handy digital format. Then, a special reanimation process brings them to "life." Voilà -- the stuff nightmares are made of, masquerading as a tale of Christmas joy and wonder.
Actually, the wonder "The Polar Express" induces feels something like a coma. The main characters don't have names, just handy identifying monikers like "Hero Boy" and "Hero Girl" (the latter so named probably because "Token Person of Color" just doesn't swing). Hero Boy (his voice is provided by Tom Hanks) has just reached the age where he has begun to doubt the existence of Santa Claus. But on Christmas Eve, as midnight approaches, he creeps out of the house in slippers and bathrobe and boards a mysterious train that happens to be running right down his street.
The train is loaded with other children, also dressed in their PJs, among them Hero Girl (Nona Gaye), who fixes Hero Boy with a cool, scrutinizing stare that's supposed to be friendly and welcoming but actually looks like something you'd expect from the telekinetic twins in Brian De Palma's "The Fury," the ones with such potent supernatural powers they can make people bleed just by looking at them -- you expect his brain to explode any minute. A third little friend, Lonely Boy, trudges through the snow to catch up with the train as it threatens to leave him behind. Lonely Boy is a sickly lad, the movie's Christ Child metaphor -- he finally does scramble onto that train but then he sits, alone, in a separate car, until he is transformed by the kindness of Hero Girl and Hero Boy. When they bring him a mug of steaming hot cocoa, he tosses away his crutches and, yes, walks again.
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